Free Energy/Anti-Gravity Research & Development, 1985

As a recovering computer scientist looking forward to graduate school in political science, there are particular indulgences that one tries to wean themselves from. For me, this struggle was against the vacuous time and money sink of gaming. Nevertheless, I way too often found myself at my favorite local shop… actually, let’s just not talk about it.

During one such trip this summer, after leaving, I found a piece of mail on the ground. Mindful of litter and potential secrets, I became entangled with the aforementioned parcel. My initial thought was that it belonged to one of the people sitting inside, playing their incomprehensible board games in lieu of work or… the reproductive process. Seriously, every time I walk in it’s something new — from medieval fiefdoms to pandemics. Really, what company decides in a meeting that ebola would be a great model for a game?  Actually that sounds cool, I want to start as AIDS in sub-Saharian African. Man, the West rocks — we totally can take an issue which ravages peripheral countries and make it into an evening’s family entertainment.

Anyway, looking at the sender, the demographic seemed to match. No wait, really — how is this a business model Rob/Jon? Do they actually buy these games? Do these forty year-old men have any place to go? Idea: charge rent and vend food.

It wasn’t until I started passing it around to patron man-children, looking for its owner, that someone noticed the postmark, February 1985. Older than me. At that point my theory was that it was gaming or promotional material for some comic series or board game, but that was dismissed by the owner with merit. Clearly, the recipient had taken the effort to preserve this letter — whether out of interest or an obsessive-compulsive complex.

It’s been a couple months and no one has claimed ownership. I submit this, confident that it won’t offend the original recipient and because it clearly is not a private correspondence. One thing that I want to point out is that the request form is detached.

It’s obvious that, weighing the claims, this letter is exactly pertinent to our fuel crisis and I have discovered an important piece of our national future. We cannot let the oppressive mechanisms of the oil companies or the SCIENTIFIC METHOD, to quash this important DISCOVERY.

Considering the condition of the collection, clearly, the only valid hypothesis remaining is that the original owner purchased the kit, travelled forward in time and dropped the letter during a visit to 2009 — you know, it was probably one of those gamer types that had so much free time that he ran out of entertainment material and only travelled to the future to buy more games. What a selfish ass, he (because if it were a female, everyone would know. yeah, gamer girls need way too much attention) could have warned the country that allowing Communism to collapse would lead such terrible countries as Serbia. Instead he insulates himself again the outside with volumes of D&D and shares of IBM.

Thus, if the owner did care, he could travel back in time and pick up his damn trash.

Download PDF†

†this is not some sort of “scam” PDF!

It uses physics so modern that the establishment doesn’t want you to know about.∔

∔this is not a “rip-off’!”⁊

⁊We apologize for NIPD version 1 actually being a rip-off.

Woah, woah. Violating Newton’s First and Second Laws may be acceptable, but his THIRD law?! Preposterous (apparently)!↕

↕not a “gag” or “gimmick” product.

However, this may violate a whole load of unknown laws of physics.ↂ Already the basis of four patents, which are totally legit, because the patent office bought one of our kits and didn’t ask for a refund.⅜ Even the Kremlin will listen when millions of people speak.♘

ↂthis is not some obscure rip-off.

⅜actually operates as claimed

♘don’t let the major energy companies hide this technology.

“And Research Development.”

Please just forward my Nobel peace and physics prize checks, I’ll pick up the medals later.